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23rd August – CH4 – HRA

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Piggy and Rooter have set memorable runs here in the past couple of years and DoesNothing a killer from here to his Ag Centre Wall. You know what you’ll get here and it’s never better than you expect!
HRA set a standard test up, up and across then down with mostly 2 options at every check.
Having mislaid my phone holder I was delayed while borrowing Cumalot’s nice new pink one. Starting 8 mins behind was no biggie as I just wanted a work out without accidents and just about managed that.
Trail was well marked with the key feature being double circle checks and v’s in case the rain got one of them!
Yomping up with Rooter and sweating in places I didn’t think I had places, I tore each circle out a different way for the benefit of Pussy Galore and Purple Shart following as DFL in our wake. The paper on the deck was the giveaway but it confused the hell out of them.
Leaving Rooter shortly before the rocky stream crossing on the in trail, we called a few OnOns to each other before I jogged back down, feeling the knees and only slipping once in mud, not wet rock this time.
HRA and Chucky were looking at me as though I hated the run or had got lost, but I was nearly 10min adrift at the start and was just bushed.

16th August – CH4 – Always on Top

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Rating: 8.0/10 (1 vote cast)

Always on Top and faithful paperboy Doesn’t Think set a great little 5 km happy hash around the lakes property and thru the woods behind the Hex Shelter.

Knowing the area well, it’s always fun to see what the hares make of it and judging by the infrequent circles but frequent wrong turns some FRBs took, the run was a roaring success.

After a jaunt thru the wet woods in light drizzle, we crossed the road and trail continued to a weir.

Possibly 3cm of water to cross but Chucky doing his best impression of an OCD show jumper with hydrophobia, refused with alacrity and went around trying to find other ways to get across. As the hares had found earlier, there weren’t any!

Cartoon and TmB seemed to be FRBs whenever I caught sight of them which involved mostly Cartoon returning from checking wrongly and TMB disappearing in unfavoured directions and yelling OnOn audibly. First times for everything eh!

KO, Poo, Anywan and Strumpet were running roughly the same pace as me and one was silent, was wasn’t, one silent but made alluring groans and moan noises as I jogged behind her pert rear view and one chatted happily, wore a plastic hairnet and kept an eye out for foragables!

The hill up and over towards the end was a surprise and a challenge. Steep, wet and overgrown coming down but no stones as SheepShagger observed.

Funny as we came to the trail back to the Hex across the other flooded weir to see Poo stop, look and carry on around. Another few 100m and he’d been back on the out trail again happy as Larry!


6th August – CH3 – ABB

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Rating: 8.5/10 (2 votes cast)

The Abominable one and the Purple apprentice teamed up at shortish notice to set a very decent trot around Frozen Dick’s area.
ABB told me yesterday the run was 10.5km down Canal Rd and in. Well imagine my surprise when the HHH sign on the bridge was at 7! That’ll fcuk over a few I mused. Signs were clearly set but the third or fourth was white letters on dark red background and hard to notice. Lucky I slowed right down at that junction. That’ll fcuk over a few I mused.

Second hasher to arrive was Cartoon. And yes, he’d been fcuked over a couple of times getting there. Shagless on his bike and Frozen Dick showed up too fresh from jet lag and a convivial bonhomie ensued.

The run was about 7, I left my phone in my bag, but ran harder than normal and managed to follow ChuckWao home in just over 45 mins I believe. It was well marked in clear white strips and well placed circle checks. Looked like Purple had taught ABB some new tricks.

The weather was lovely all run and the thick vegetation helped the hares to make some checks tricky. Direction seemed to constantly change and we wove in and out and around properties, quarries, moobaans and orchards on flat, mostly hard dirt trails.

I knew the area well but couldn’t really predict where they’d go. We got twisted around a few times and after about 5km came to a check along a barbed wire fence. This really stumped the pack as the barbed wire wasn’t passable and all other options had been investigated. Eventually ChuckWao wriggles through the 5 strand fence and locates paper in the field. No way could Purple or ABB get through there we all seemed to think alike!

Advising Emma to go straight, I thought we’d find a gap. Wrong. I decided to head straight and turn left when I could as it had to intersect CW’s directional heading. Emma joined me and turning the next corner we saw CW way up ahead as he exited the field. Cartoon was calling us all the bastards in the world as he realised we were competitive but hadn’t messed with the barb wire.

Round to the right around a big quarry and through a gravelly stream bed to a familiar junction. Chucky had already done the last ditch FT and laid paper to indicate true trail. Bless. I pushed hard but he was 100 ahead at the OnOn.

Great to see Piggy on trail again and meet our two pantomime villain Australian visitors from Chiang Rai, Ladyboy aka Rainbow Pussy or something from Perth and Caddy from Northern Tasmania masquerading as rural Victoria. Good runners and keen smokers both. Thankfully they puffed their cancer sticks away from the circle.

Really enjoyed the run and the circle. Byte you missed a good ‘un.

30th July – CH3 – Alice

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Rating: 4.0/10 (4 votes cast)

Should have been named comedy of errors run. How tricky is take the bridge at the HHH sign 4.4 km down Canal Rd for male hashers? How tricky is meet at Canal Rd footy field for bunnies? Obviously very. Nice to see Burrito Butt and Geisha Gash anyway!

At least ALL the CH4 SELF drivers made it and good to see Tiptoe on trail again. Alice started them off at 5:10pm with the songthao still halfway to Burma allegedly following Pamela’s old signs 12km down Canal Rd and beyond.

Luckily the rain held off but the hash gods fcuk you up in other ways. Finally around 5:30pm, the songthao arrives from the wrong direction with Does Nothing in the navigator’s seat. Apparently this was an emergency replacement after ABB proved he doesn’t possess the Rooter smarts as front seat eyes and brains for LungLa. Back to being tail gunner for ABB, a position his skillset is more suited to.

The initial pack consisted of ChuckWao, Turkish, Cartoon and Shrek. They swore blood brothers and undying co-operation until one of ’em reverted to type and disappeared about 3.5km into the run as the trail went up the doi for runners and pink lead the walkers down to rejoin trail at a busy junction leading to the rear of Grand Canyon.

Sharing all the work by 3 FRBs is hard yakka and the lads did well to find their way up the doi, left and down. Alice spotted them coming out of the woods left side of Grand Canyon as Purple Fart and Does Nothing were seen high up behind the old quarries at the check behind the Grand Canyon letters.

ABB was the most fleet footed of the second batch and lead the way home for them. Shrek got the challenging check in the middle of the field correct and Alice kicked out the circle and laid paper so CW and Cartoon could catch the flying Dane.

Back at the A, Turkey decided the best form of defence is attack and berated the real FRBs for taking their time and losing him. Right! Short shrift I think describes their response.

Cabbage Patch was followed in on the out trail by the lady owner of the palatial mansion where the first check was set. Who were we, what were we doing? Her hubby even called Poo today. Hashers obviously made an impression. This check was actually unkicked, so Tiptoe turned round early doors as he didn’t fancy facing trail alone if that was going to be the pattern. It seems only two others weren’t dealt with so ten good uns and three left as is. Note to reader: the three False Trails were also pristine so Turkish is well and truly holed below the waterline and sinking fast.

Cartoon had 8.3kn when I was expecting FRBs to have 7 ish. Does Nothing got the wings for 200 runs as CH3 GM and ABB was first to identify the 3 spirit mixes on offer:Sang Som and Coke, GnT and Vodka and Orange Juice.


26th July – CH4 – Sleeps on It & Dick the Boy

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Rating: 5.0/10 (2 votes cast)

By Alice

Stick to the facts. A good reporter sticks to the facts.

Fact 1: I was so looking forward to my first hash back.

Fact 2: Coming Slow had no eyes in the cab so we missed the turn and were 20 mins late.

Fact 3: The self drivers waited for us.

Fact 4: Hare brief said trail laid on decent sized squares of white paper with some Vs after circles and false trails and check backs may be unduly long.

Fact 5: Trail was laid with some white squares, ripped half and quarter squares.

Fact 6: Moderate to severe paper shortage in Mae Jo area.

Fact 7: FRBs Chucky, Poo, TMB, even Alice, KO and Anywan frequently return from checking only for others to eventually find scraps of paper 150-200-250m down the same paths.

Fact 8: First 4 km is on undulating trails, second 4km on concrete roads.

Fact 9: Many hashers use technology to find way back as frustration turns to exasperation.

Fact 10: Alice had 8.3km and sore hips and knees from the concrete roads.

Fact 11: Hare Dick the Boy Wonder had been drinking since 7am.

Fact 12: Hares who drink from 7am appear unable to respond appropriately to facial clues (bored, long even angry faces), verbal (Short circle is a good circle, Anytime before midnight etc) hints and physical demonstrations (people walking away, driving off or ChuckWao lying on the floor and going to sleep).

Fact 13: Alice has never seen a cuter baby than 5 month old Nicole, daughter of Made and DTBW.

Fact 14: Alice wonders about splashing the hare by suggesting a DNA test for paternity of the beautiful little bundle.

Fact 15: Alice gives up caring as it’s way past his bedtime as the circle continues towards the witching hour.

Fact 16: 250THB for a home cooked feast with noodles, papaya salad, pork, black chicken and fish, with corn, dark green lettuce and pineapple.

Fact 17: Cuckold via Chuck Wao repays Does Nothing and ABB.

Fact 18: Cabbage Patch thinks it’s clever to borrow money and not pay back.

Fact 19: Alice gets Cabbage to pay for his supper and promises to pay him back.

Fact 20: Alice predicts the tone of TMB’s Whatsapp message this morning.

23rd July – CH3 – BMY

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Rating: 8.2/10 (5 votes cast)

Run #1234 was last week, this was now 1235. No doubt all will soon be forgotten. I’m only writing this because someone asked me to. The songthaew showed up in good time, and a team of 3 slumped out – Poo, Does Nothing and ABB. A historic turnout for an almost historic run number, with the ranks swelled by TipToe, Chuck Wao, Dick The Boy Wonder and a late arriving Sloppy Rod. A total of 7 runners set off on Byte’s farewell run, with the most creative excuses coming in from Dentists that only work on Monday’s to needing to take a nap! Don’t worry – I have a thick skin, I can take it!

Relive ‘Afternoon Run’

With so few FRBs I didn’t know what to say in the harebrief – good luck? I mentioned that Sloppy was coming and knew the route and then set them free. I drove around to the beer stop – there should be plenty of time for the beer to get cold – so much time I could have gone for a massage, with a happy ending – but instead I sat at the back of my car and contemplated life. A big thanks to my secret co-hare who motivated me into bothering to set a run. After an hour finally CW came in with Sloppy close behind. It seems that ABB had been getting most of the checks right, but Dick the Boy had also been leading for a while. Both decided they had had enough, grabbing a beer and booking a seat for a ride back to the A.

CW started checking, and Sloppy and Poo followed him for the trip back to the A. The beerstop was about 4km in, and the whole run was 7.1km, – that is if you don’t listen to Sloppy… So, 4 of the pack got beers and sensibly headed back for social drinking, leaving just 3 to continue onwards. I wasn’t concerned as Sloppy was with them, so relaxed back at Ban Pong resort. Until I got a phone call from Poo… With technology assistance, we shared our locations, and he was WAY WAY off trail!!! WTF???

It seems they got to a point where they decided between following paper, or following Sloppy’s memory. And they decided to follow Sloppy’s memory rather than the perfectly good white squares of paper. Sloppy led them astray and extended the run as they scouted some extra hills. When they went back to paper they quickly ran in just before it got dark. A concise circle and then most stayed for dinner at Baanpong.

2nd July – CH3 – ABB

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Rating: 8.3/10 (3 votes cast)

By Emma Royde

The start was at Frozen Dick’s “For Sale” place, the pack having run from there only three weeks ago.
The pack set off at its usual amble to the first check except for the two visitors who unknowingly ran and sucked Mr Poo along in their wake. Reaching the first junction there was no check in sight so the pack broke into a reluctant run. We soon arrived at a check on a hill where every possible route was searched in vain. Eventually Scooby went back down to the road and found trail well in excess of 100m from the check. And that’s in the notes so it must be true. By this time the pack were scattered all over the hill and took some time to get back on trail while Frozen Dick expressed a “Fuck this!” and headed north on a short-cut, ignoring the calls of “onon”.
The run then continued through the woods, along good running trails. And despite another back-check and some non-compliant markings the FRBs were back in under 40 minutes.
A good run and a sensible length. Not that this was repeated in the circle of course.


23rd June – CSH3 – Alice

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Rating: 4.0/10 (2 votes cast)

By Alice

So who was the mystery underage hare? Well after Alice left his phone at home and messed up the pick up, no-one will ever
know but he was underemployed for sure as Alice set alone in the hot sun from 1:30-4pm.
A half decent sized pack with some visitors, yay! So nice to welcome visitors and returnees, although there are some exceptions.

Trails was marked in striking pink and walkers cut out in the white backs of same. Alice trialled Turkey Trails. Basically you can ignore them or when you see white strips with Turkey heads follow ’em and they may lead you into the wild green yonder and a FT bar or they may connect to trail and be the right way!

The pack set off down the lane to the lakes area. I heard Check! and was happy it took a bit of time to hear OnOn! Through the west side of the property and after another circle there was a FT alongside the fence when it looked like you could go through. Here Major General Turkish Delight apparently barked orders like Edogan on speed and KO was commanded to slither down a steep bank and check out an unpromising route. Lucky for her she was on!
Around the lanes and up into the Doi and a V in the forest where the wrong fork deep into the trees was taken by man in tights Emma Royde. True trail was up to the ridge and a FT right that caught Mr Poo. Back down the ridge and into think bush. Here Alice saw paper from ER’s wrong fork while setting so looped around right. Thankfully no one saw it on the run. Down through shiggy and out into the sunlight and an open grassy area. A circle had most pushing forwards towards a building on the other side of a lake. KO took the steep hill and shouted OnOn gleefully after about her 6th piece of paper!
Meanwhile the walkers had continued straight up and over the hill missing the Doi but scaring the shit out of the herd of cows who according to Superman destroyed their corral and ran amok. Apparently Superman and his group, Capt Hook and his lad etc took the left path avoiding the crazed bovines.

Back across the road the FRBs finally came upon the Beer Stop, after Alice had heard minutes of Onon and Circle check calls. Emma messed them all up but HRA found paper and was first in, Anywan and Emma plus Poo in the leading group. James, soon to be named Whiney the Poo, was doing his usual effective powerwalk and just behind the leaders. Cartoon and Kelvin puffed up and visitor In Denial and Mai were running well. Various paths thru the forest took runners home, some were even on trail, Poo’s Strava revealing his excellent hash behaviour. Chilly Pussy was last man past the Beer Stop but those who took the road and missed the amber will be shamed and not named.
Poo had 7 and Emma Royde had 7+km. Superb itch had 4.5 on the shorter route. Bit difficult to judge when you set without benefit of a phone!

14th June – CH4 – BMY

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Rating: 8.4/10 (5 votes cast)

By Alice

It was BMY, at Mae Jo Dam, with a box of tricks up his sleeve. Well, in Cluedo speak it was.

Byte knows the area well and usually brings some native cunning to his sets, so I was interested in how far he could toy with a pack who know many of the trails in this area on both sides of the road.

Poo gave the hare brief as Byte was still out laying. The small squares of Mother Hash paper suggested a live set and flour circles. That was it.

Rather wonderfully Purple Fart wasn’t tuned in – quelle surprise – and told me afterwards that he kept thinking ‘Where are the circles I’m missing? The joining paper is going on for km and I don’t see any paper strips….’
USMC ladies and gentlemen, need one say more.

The start had us clambering almost vertically up a
concrete spillway. Chim and It’ll Cum passing me here as I lagged back with Pussy Galore feeling the effects of a fully curry late luncheon.

Now and again shout from ahead revived our spirits as the pack dealt with the early tricky checks. After a km or so I started to jog and after another km caught up with James and Does Nothing etc.

The thing about this area is most checks offer multiple options and Byte used these skillfully to rotate the road constantly and fcuk over the FRBs. The trick with this run was to trust the hare, let paper be king and the hounds mere serfs.

He of the ice cold penis, decided to head off paper to short cut and ended up wonderfully about 2 hrs later at some farm about 5 km away. I have decided NEVER to assist hounds who do this or don’t take my number. Angry, Turkish, Snowballs etc you have been warned!

Back towards the road we turned and on familiar trails it was an endless guessing game. Most of which the FRBs and self when in pole, got wrong! I knew where the road was but wanted to play the game.

Eventually after nearly 6 km I think we came to the road and a Beer/Water stop from the Byte mobile. Unless you were a back marker and then it was just a Byte mobile and chat stop. Here I feel the hare missed a stitch. I was already knackered and didn’t take more water as it’s less than a km home I thought. However Byte took us into the forest and across the weir and then messed us around something rotten into the forest, back out onto the main trial again and again.
HRA had fronted up, Poo and KO were in the van at some stages, Alice and Blows Herself, Anywan too. But we all came to grief until we exited the forest finally and headed back on the long, wet gravel road.

I was hurting by the end and had around 9km. Poo had over 10km. It was old school hashing. And many of us are a bit old to bear it. Chucky opined in the circle that he thought it was a good run, both of them!
Well marked, well devised and devilish in the detail. ‘Never mind the quality, feel the length my boy,’ as the cardinal said.

11th June – CH3 – Frozen Dick

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Rating: 7.0/10 (4 votes cast)

By Alice

Frozen Dick knows his area rather well, which usually means good runs when he sets and major fcuk ups when he’s a hound and decides to shortcut until ravines, barbed wire and other unexpected surprises detain him until nightfall. With Cumlord as paperboy, this was the chance for Frozen to educate the lad on the terrain and possibilities thereof, and boy did he do a decent job.

We started off from Frozen’s country dacha and went right to the main trail. One if the last things the hares said was that they’d cleared any old paper they’d found, so didn’t expect us to see any.

I decided to push myself a bit today and jogged off decisively left at check1. The pack mooched right or mostly hung around. Just as I got to 100m with no sign of paper, I heard OnOn called from the opposite direction. Blast! Just as I was about to turn, I saw paper 40m ahead. My eyes lit up. Maybe they done a clever loop around right, up over the property and back down to this trail. If so, I was quids in and a few hundred metres ahead. Aaaaaargh! Old paper! Drat and double drat! I was now a few hundred behind. Taking my chances, I ducked up a connecting trail with a 50% chance of reconnecting if trail turned left off the valley. Hearing shouts coming closer I was in luck. Shrek lead the pack and Chucky was close behind. “How the bloody hell did you get here?” Inquired the lanky Sandgroper. It wouldn’t be the last time he was nonplussed on this run.

Another check and given the twists so far, I chose the path less travelled up towards the farm next door. Wrong. Back and along the main higher level path with so many options. Turkey, Emma and others passed me and the next check was right, up the second valley as I call it. Here Frozen pulled a surprise left up into the forest, a totally new path for me and we dragged ourselves up through the bush to a tricky check that took us at least 5 minutes. There were two other pearlers to come!

Emma went left, Chucky straight, I hit the forest off trail when these two found nothing. Turkey and Shrek scoured the bush either side of me while Does Nothing called anxiously ‘Are you?!’ The tone suggesting he meant, ‘Have you found trail and run off silently Turkish?’

Eventually trail was located on a small path left front towards the edge of the forest and followed familiarish route along the fence line, we inside and Chucky outside. Here another check confused Chucky as the paper to the circle went left but paper from the circle went right back into the wet,greenery. Even more confusing, the path snaked through the forest to a check on the top of a rise which was called a False Trail by Turkish. Everyone turned and started searching. Eventually paper was found beyond this False Trail and we were off again.

Turkish was going well and thankfully well visible in his blue top. A check was faintly called right and paper dropped along a narrow path to the right of a gulley. The FRBs weren’t sure and TD was back in SRB mode. I recalled a left hand tiny track here that FD and Chucky had used on a set a year ago
and pushed through until I found it and paper. Turkish was ahead and checking silent until he was aware of me and started pathetically quiet ‘Checking!’ calls. So drole, so predictable.

The hares lead us a merry dance through the woods until a killer check that had ABB yelling OnOn and retracing his steps back into the forest on our out paper! Despite Does Nothing yelling for him to come back, ABB was convinced he’d found trail and took off. Presumably half a km of paper on the wrong side of trees finally awoke him to the terrible truth.

Trail went left back up the valley and AWAY from home. Frozen had stumped me here but found a totally unknown to me cut through path through the hills to the next main valley. It had to be right here but the first checker found nothing. More confusion. It can’t be left I cried exasperated, not left or front through the bush either. I wondered if Frozen had found the little path that snakes behind the first range of hills to the left of the main valley trail, heading all the way back towards the first main trail we’d hit at the start. As the pack circled and spread, confused and chuntering, I bashed bush for a bit until I saw the telltale FD CML paper strips as the homeward trail took shape. I yelled and put my foot down. I was really pushing myself for the first time in ages and Chucky’s calls behind spurred me. It was leafy and rocky and narrow, I hurt my toe and nearly tripped half a dozen times but I aced the check by the fence knowing the next runners would flail about in the property and find impassable wire and gate.

I hit the main path for home and saw On In. Yes! Victor cum laude! Frantic calls behind suggested I was heard but not seen and I nearly blacked out with effort. There were torn paper strips on the deck and my eye suddenly caught hanging paper some way ahead. Bad hares. This was sadly out trail paper and I ran past the turn and had to come back. Turkish saw me and even accused me of short cutting. Oh the irony!

Near circle’s end Frozen finally fished a very disconsolate lost Snowballs back on his bike. He’d gone missing at check 1 and kept missing. Strangely this has been his MO for 3 out of 4 times I’ve seen him this past year. Maybe the wacky baccy is winning the battle. Frozen gave Rooter the wings for best comment, when Alice said he’d found a Lyons St in Port Melbourne honouring former resident Superman. ‘Was it a dead end?’ quipped Rooter to steal the show.

Top trail, well marked, just need rather more joining paper at checks if trail goes bush. What did Cumlord learn? We’ll see when he takes on his first set. Looking forward!